The Epiphanator 76543

• It's a new month


• It's a new beginning


• I'm still the same boring person


• But lists always make things more exciting


• I think that's the only way people don't die of boredom when they go grocery shopping


• And people watching--that makes a trip anywhere bearable


• I need to make tie-dye and Batman abayahs


• I also need to keep my grades up


• But we all know that's not going to happen


• Who invented grades anyway?


• It feels good to rant


• But my stomach hurts


• Atleast I should be thankful that I have a stomach and not just intestines hanging onto nothing


• I feel like such a 5-year-old
• Maybe that's because I watch Pokemon, carry around a Power Rangers coloring book, and build blanket forts in my room
• I only do this to avoid homework
• I just realized that if I continue to study Spanish and Arabic, I'll be quadlingual
• If I don't, then I'll be nolingual, seeing that I can't speak English or Urdu properly anyway
• This list is getting quite long
• It's not like I have anything better to do
• My to-do list for today consists of food, Photoshop, and BBC
• I think I should title this "When Doofuses Don't Know How to Use Punctuation Properly, They Make Lists"
• The acronym for that would be WDDKHTUPPTML
• I like LSHMSFOAIDMT better
• It stands for "Laughing So Hard My Sombrero Fell Off and I Dropped My Taco"
• I need to start being more productive
• But all I ever want to do is take a nap
• I think I'm going to die of sleep deprivation
• And it's only because I spend my time making lists like this one
• Allahu Musta'an

Honestly, I have a knack for not getting anything done. I have no stress levels whatsoever, as well as no motivation, so my life is at a complete standstill. This can be seen as the perfect lifestyle, where a person cannot get anymore laid back and therefore lives happily carefree, or it could be seen as the lifestyle of a homeless person who has no life goals and will continue searching through dumpsters for food because he's too lazy to do make use of himself. I'm not entirely sure where I lay on this disgustingly tiny spectrum. What I do know is that if I don't start getting stuff done, I probably will end up as a homeless man living in a dumpster.

5 More Types of Highly Annoying People

1. The Overreactor: This is the friend (or maybe ex-friend) who just can't let anything go. You jokingly bring up how she used to throw soggy graham crackers at your face in the third grade, and BAM, you don't hear a word from her for days. Overreactors love to blow up over meaningless comments, and if they're not pouting and ignoring you, they're pestering you to such an extent that you just can't help but snap and scream, "ENOUGH! I GET THE POINT! GO AWAY, OR I WILL BE FORCED TO STAB YOU WITH MY CALCULATOR!" Which is advisable only as a last resort, because calculators aren't very sharp.

2. The Egomaniac: These people aren't just annoying; they're rude, too. Say you got a lead part in the school play, and you excitedly share the news with an Egomaniac. Does she respond by screaming that you're awesome and giving you a giant hug? Nope. She just stands there, blinking, and maybe says something like, "Oh. Huh. I could have gotten that part, but it didn't really require enough talent to interest me." An Egomaniac never appreciates anyone else's accomplishments, but loves to shout his/her own successes from the rooftops. If you know someone like this, give him/her a plane ticket to Alaska. Sorry, Alaskans: they're your problem now.

3. The Fun-Sucker: These people are the worst. When you make a sarcastic remark, even if everyone else in the room is cracking up, the Fun-Sucker just stares at you as if you're the stupidest person in the history of the planet. Fun-Suckers are basically sore losers who want the attention for themselves at all times, and no matter how genius or hilarious your comment may be, they won't crack so much as a grin. They're selfish, tend to be overly studious, and have been known to enjoy granola bars. Watch out.

4. The Ultra-Saint: These people seem lovely the first time you meet them, but by the third time around, you've pretty much had it. There's nothing wrong with niceness, but if it's a Monday morning and you can hardly keep yourself from slamming your head against your locker, this is not a person you want to run into. Example:

You: Bah. Monday. So. Tired. Hate. Everything.
Ultra-Saint: HI THERE! AREN'T MONDAYS GREAT? WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TO MY SAVE THE WHALES MEETING?
You: ...Sure. If you don't yell.
Ultra-Saint: *grinning* I'M NOT YELLING, THAT'S JUST MY NORMAL VOICE, SILLY. I LIKE YOUR SHIRT!
You: Thank you. Can you leave now?
Ultra-Saint: SURE, I'LL GO EVEN THOUGH YOU DIDN'T SAY PLEASE. I HOPE I SEE YOU CHAINED TO A TREE WITH ME TO PROTEST THE DESTRUCTION OF THE RAIN FOREST!

Even if you're all for saving the whales and the rainforest, the Ultra-Saint's constant tendency to over-do the enthusiasm is bound to irk you, especially if you have a low tolerance for giant grins and shouting.

5. The Hypocrite: Hypocrites are almost worse than liars: they're not only lying to you, they're lying to themselves. They gossip about their best friends and then freak out when they hear someone else do the same; they preach against cheating on tests, but are always looking over your shoulder in Calculus. Hypocrites are in a permanent stage of denial, and somebody needs to slap them with a dead squirrel. Just don't kill the squirrel yourself, because that would be creepy and gross.

Highly Annoying People

Just some more school-related venting. Here’s a list of the annoying kids who make my school day a bit more nerve-wracking:

1. Slow Walking People. OK, seriously? We have SIX MINUTES to get to freaking class, and these people want to lolligag? No. Pick up the pace a little bit, people. I have to get all the way downstairs and then back up, and you're in front of me with your pants below your knees, pretending that you have swagger. Suburban white kid, could you not do that in the middle of the hallway, please?

2. People who feel the need to say (insert cuss word here) between EVERYTHING they say. It is fine, to an extent, to say these words. You're a human being. But when you go around and are like, "Oh My #^$%$^ ? God man!!! Did you see that#@%@#% go to the @#$#@$#@$ street @#$#@$ giraffe!!! It was so @#$@#$@# off the $!@$!@#.!!!" It gets to the point where I can't even understand what you're saying. I understand every other word, so the sentence ends up sounding like "Oh my God man!! Did you see that go to the giraffe!! It was so!!!!" Did I see a giraffe do what?

3. Goody Two-Shoes, Teacher's Pet, etc. You know you've seen them. They lurk around in an unassuming way, then *BOOM,* like a time bomb, they go off with their never-ending supply of niceness: "Oh, let me pick that up for you," "Could you help me pick out a book for this book report? I just respect your opinion SO much," "That is SO funny!" You get the idea. It's good to be nice to teachers, but there IS a boundary between friendly and down-right creepy and, well, annoying.

4. Skinny girls who go to the bathroom just to check themselves out, and then say, "Oh my God, I'm ssooooooooooo fat. I knew I only should have had one rice cracker for breakfast!" Then they proceed to dump a truckload of makeup on their face, which always seems to find a spot on your clothes. These girls don't need to be wasting precious school bathroom passes on things like this. Some of us, you know, ACTUALLY have to go to the bathroom. Shocking, I know.

More Words That Don't Exist In the English Language

Biritululo (New Guinea): the act of comparing yams to settle a dispute.

Zalatwic (Polish): the use of friends, bribes, personal charm or connections to get something done. This was particularly useful in the days of communism, as it was easier to get something you wanted through guile as opposed to official means.

Tingo (Easter Island): a person who borrows things from a friend’s house one by one until there is nothing left.

Bakku-shan (Japanese): the word for a girl who looks pretty from behind but ugly in front.

Kyoikumama (Japanese): a mother who pushes her children far too hard when it comes to schoolwork.

Qualunquismo (Italian): a person who doesn’t really care about politics and issues in society. The term came from a political party in Italy, in 1944, which promoted anti-political feelings and a mistrust of public organizations. The party was called the Fronte dell’Uomo Qualunque or “the front of the ordinary man.”

Uitwaaien (Dutch): take a brief break in the country side to clear one’s head.

Hygge (Danish): complete absence of anything annoying, irritating or emotionally overwhelming, and the presence of and pleasure from comforting, gentle and soothing things.

Five on Five

Mondays are the dumps. Work is poured on you while you’re still trying to revive yourself from your weekend coma induced by eating your weight in Frosted Flakes and sleeping for 18 hours. Today is no different. So to wake my brain up and keep my sanity, I’m listing off the five rules that I live by in high school.

5) SDAN – Stop Drop And Nap. There isn’t any time that can’t be napping time, especially at school. Nobody can say that they haven’t fallen asleep at least once in their high school career, if not everyday of this wretched job. My favorite times to apply this rule are math and English class. I just daydream and doodle in the rest of my classes.

4) Caffeinate. As soon as you wake up from your dead-and-drooling sessions, immediately begin to drain large containers of coffee. You need to focus for the rest of the day to make up for all of that sleeping you just did. If you don’t like coffee, offer it to a chicken and then eat the chicken to absorb the caffeine.

3) Pants are useless. Do lions wear pants? No. Do bears wear pants? No. Do sharks wear pants? No. They all roam freely with nothing plastered onto their lower bodies that prevent them from doing unnecessary high kicks. Therefore, I wear them to school as little as possible. Pants are constraining. End of discussion.*

2) Suck up to teachers. I’ve never been a teacher’s pet, but I have managed to stay on their good sides. Kill them with compliments. It’ll come in handy when you forget to do homework. For example:
Mrs. Murphy - Class, please turn in your worksheets.
You – Mrs. Murphy, did I tell you how lovely you look this morning? Well, just in case I didn’t, you look absolutely stunning. Is that a new shirt? That color really suits you. And I like those shoes. The seahorses on them are quite intriguing. So how about I give you that worksheet tomorrow?
Mrs. Murphy - …
You – Great! I’m glad we could come to an agreement.

1) The magic words. When a teacher unexpectedly calls on you for an answer and you don’t have any idea of what’s going on, simply blurt out one of the following: satire, 0 degrees Kelvin, post-modernism, or free will. Chances are that one of those is going to be the correct answer.

And that is how I survive high school. Results may vary. Term and conditions apply.

*WARNING. This rule does not allow you to walk around in your underwear. Please find a socially acceptable substitute for pants, like bear skin.

Islam and Women: Modern Empowerment

The first article for my Woman's Column in the INFW Newsletter.

We’re living in a time where feminism is gaining interest in the world, especially in the west. Society has managed to ignite the ultimate enmity between the opposite genders, a man and a woman. Historically, society has tainted the minds of many women, inviting them to believe that men are unjust, hypocrites, and suppressers. It suggests that the only way a woman attains independence is by rebelling against her father, being arrogant with her brother, and disobeying her husband. If she doesn't, then she'll be put down as an underprivileged daughter, a humiliated mother, an abused wife, and an oppressed sister. Society has distorted all facts and fabricated all truths. It has taught one to rid herself of her religion because piety and honor are chains on freedom, hijab is limiting and a return to the Stone Age, prayer and fasting are a waste of time, and obedience to any man is slavery. But in the process of brainwashing, society has also managed to rid one of the happiness and comfort of generous parents, a happy marriage, and good brotherly relations.

Dear sisters,
You are half of humanity. You are half of this Ummah. Your ancestors, the remarkable women of Islam, were one of the main reasons that this great nation is still thriving today. You also have the chance to contribute to its greatness. Sisters, do not fool yourself into thinking that men are the ones who rule the world and you are only here to be stepped on. Just because women are not in the spotlight doesn’t mean they don’t exist. They share the responsibilities of enjoining the truth, forbidding the evil, and raising the flag of Islam with men, as it says in the Qur’an:

“The believers, men and women, are Awliya’ (supporters) of one another; they enjoin Al-Ma’ruf (Islamic belief) and forbid Al-Munkar (disbelief); they perform Salah and give Zakah, and obey Allah and his Messenger. Allah will have His Mercy on them. Surely Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise.”

Women may share the common responsibilities with men, but the tremendous burden placed upon her is unlike any of the difficulties that men bear. That is why so much importance is given to mothers in Islam. They are the initial teachers in building a righteous society, providing that she adheres to the Qur’an and Sunnah. Sisters, you are raising the future leaders of this world and supporting the current ones. Your task isn’t easy, but it is indeed an honorable one. So many great scholars never would have existed if they hadn’t been encouraged to study Islam by their mothers. So many great leaders never would have stepped up if they hadn’t been encouraged by their wives.

Look at Khadija radi Allahu ‘anha, one of the most exemplary mothers and wives in the history of mankind. She was one of the very first people to believe in the Prophet Muhammad salallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam. She stood behind him every step of the way, continually comforting him, advising him, and putting him at ease. She brought tranquility and serenity to his soul. Not only that, but she raised their children to be strong and adherent Muslims. She may never have been the one whom everyone saw, but she contributed greatly to this Deen through her support of the Prophet salallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam.

Sisters, this is where your happiness lies: in being an obedient and believing daughter, a loyal and generous wife, and a pious and merciful mother. Do not think that you will become happy and free in imitating a man by taking off your hijab and giving up your family for materialism. I am not saying that you should set aside your academic and work related goals, but you need to know your limitations. Do not forget that your main duty is to Allah. Your role in building society is essential, and if you throw it away for some worldly success, you’re sacrificing the well-being of this Ummah as a whole. For every man in society, there is an even stronger woman behind him. If the man is the head, then the woman is the neck. The neck may not be noticeable, but it is what controls the movement of the head. Not only that, but it must be firm and stable if it’s going to support the head. Remember, you are mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, aunts, granddaughters, and grandmothers. You make this Ummah a nation.

إِنَّمَا ٱلتَّوۡبَةُ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ لِلَّذِينَ يَعۡمَلُونَ ٱلسُّوٓءَ بِجَهَـٰلَةٍ۬ ثُمَّ يَتُوبُونَ مِن قَرِيبٍ۬ فَأُوْلَـٰٓٮِٕكَ يَتُوبُ ٱللَّهُ عَلَيۡہِمۡ‌ۗ وَكَانَ ٱللَّهُ عَلِيمًا حَڪِيمً۬ا (١٧) وَلَيۡسَتِ ٱلتَّوۡبَةُ لِلَّذِينَ يَعۡمَلُونَ ٱلسَّيِّـَٔاتِ حَتَّىٰٓ إِذَا حَضَرَ أَحَدَهُمُ ٱلۡمَوۡتُ قَالَ إِنِّى تُبۡتُ ٱلۡـَٔـٰنَ وَلَا ٱلَّذِينَ يَمُوتُونَ وَهُمۡ ڪُفَّارٌ‌ۚ أُوْلَـٰٓٮِٕكَ أَعۡتَدۡنَا لَهُمۡ عَذَابًا أَلِيمً۬ا

"Allah accepts only the repentance of those who do evil in ignorance and foolishness and repent soon afterwards; it is they whom Allah forgive and Allah is Ever All-Knower, All-Wise. And of no effect is the repentence of those who continue to do evil deeds until the death faces one of them and he says: 'Now I repent,' nor of those who die while they are disbelievers. For them We have prepared a painful torment." [4:17-18]

A Bucket of a List

I'm a slacker. My friend's a slacker. We're both slackers and we're proud. We've never given in to the pressure of school, teachers, exams, projects, or the hopeless overachievers around us. We just go about, living our lives nonchalantly without giving those things a second thought. What I love most about our ability to not care about school is that we now appreciate more things in life. There's more out there than just getting good grades and sucking up to teachers, which is what the two of us do anyway. My friend, Miss Nickel the Juicer, took it upon herself to make a semi-bucket list, which I now call 'Nena and Nina's Infinite Playlist.' Although I have my whole life planned out, I never thought about making a bucket list. Making a bucket list is the first item to go on my bucket list. I'm just anticipating the feeling of what it would be like on my 80th birthday to look at my list and be able to cross out all of the crazy things I did in my life. It's quite exciting if you think about it. Since I don't have my list done yet, here are Nickel's top 10:

#10: go to a concert
#9: shave my head
#8: take a bite of an apple in the big apple
#7: get arrested (not for anything bad of course), spend a night in jail
#6: fall in love
#5: actually really help someone
#4: swim in the ocean with fancy clothes on
#3: GO TO VEGAS AND NOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING
#2: travel. see the world. the good and the bad…but more good
#1: do yoga in the middle of a street

So far, my items are slightly less risque. I want to go skydiving, adopt an orphan, go to third-world country and just help out, live somewhere in the Middle East, memorize the Qur'an, go to China, learn yoga, eat sushi, and a bunch of other things that might take some thinking over.

Words That Don’t Exist in the English Language

L’esprit de escalier: (French) The feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said. Translated it means “the spirit of the staircase.”

Waldeinsamkeit: (German) The feeling of being alone in the woods.

Meraki: (Greek) Doing something with soul, creativity, or love.

Forelsket: (Norwegian) The euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love.

Gheegle: (Filipino) The urge to pinch or squeeze something that is unbearably cute.

Pochemuchka: (Russian) A person who asks a lot of questions.

Pena ajena: (Mexican Spanish) The embarrassment you feel watching someone else’s humiliation.

Cualacino: (Italian) The mark left on a table by a cold glass.

Ilunga: (Tshiluba, Congo) A person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time.

Pretending to be a Professional

 It's been 5 weeks since I've been interning in the technology department at a community college. My reflections: work = boring. The office environment is too constraining. It's dull. It's monotonous. When I grow up, I am never going to work at any place where I'm stuck in an office. The only reason I'm alive right now is because I work with awesome people. For example, I'm pretending to work right now. I'm usually on a computer, sending out e-mails, making phone calls, all of that jazz. But as you can see, I am actually blogging, while my coworker is playing Modern Warfare on the computer next to me. No, this is not an SOS. It's more of a life plan. I'm going to work for myself at home. I'm not going to have a boss. I am gonna stay in my pajamas all day and drink 18 cups of tea while I work. And since I have the attention span of about 7 minutes, I'll keep a trampoline next to me to satisfy my ADD. But these are merely hopes. Just wishful thinking. Let's see what actually ends up happening. Until I get out of this dreary internship and get my college degree, I have one rule to live by in the professional world: WWKWD - What Would Kanye West Do? That gives the answer to everything.

Life's a Booger

As a distracted driver, it is my obligation to think about everything but the road while I'm driving. On my way to work this morning, my mom kept yelling at me for going too fast and rarely ever using the brake. Once I made it onto the highway, I carelessly began passing by cars and pondering over stuff, which I gather to be a teenager's favorite word. I remembered when I first began driving and I took a delight in hating it. The reason that I despised it, and I still do, was because I sucked at it. I was afraid of crashing into a cow and flipping the whole car over, killing myself, the other passengers in the car, and the cow. Therefore, I avoided driving as much as possible. I was discouraged by the possibility of making mistakes. I didn't want to mess up. But that's what life's about. There's no possible way you can live life without making a fool out of yourself. Making mistakes is evitable. But that's how you learn. Sometimes it's the only way you learn. You shouldn't be scared of messing up, and you most definitely shouldn't let it keep you from doing something. It's taken me forever to embrace this concept.

What's even more amazing is that Allah 'azawajal realizes this as well. He understands that as human beings, we screw up. That's why He constantly reminds us that we need to turn back to Him and ask for forgiveness. He is always ready to answer our du'as. All we have to do is ask. It's like if you're picking your nose when you notice that somebody's watching you. You sheepishly apologize for being so embarrasingly disgusting and you never pick your nose in public again. So if you commit a sin and then remember that Allah's watching, you suddenly regret what you did and turn back to Him is repentance. Then you've learned your lesson. And even if you didn't, you can still turn back to Him if you mess up again. He is the Most Forgiving and Most Merciful. It's amazing how inspiring a simple car ride can be.

Back in Business

Have you ever had an extra sugar, extra cream mochafrappalatte thing, and as you're sipping the dreadfully scrumptious drink, you can just feel all of that caffeine and sugary goodness seeping through your bloodstream, waking up every inch of you as it slowly flows through your body until you reach a hyperactive stage that seems to resemble a rabid panda? I didn't think so. It's an amazing feeling. But personally, I like the non-caffeinated version of these power surges, like when you are reunited with old friends, go out with a new pair of shoes on, or get a bone-chilling EmanRush. They're the little things that rejuvenate you and bring out that delicious fuzzy feeling that was hiding deep inside your chicken soul. It's like true love. Everybody has something different that makes them so happy that it plasters a permanent goofy smile on their face. I'm going through this stage right now. I got in touch with some of my beloved friends, I've been inspired to go back to the artisitc ways, I now have 2 pet hamsters, and I'm attending an Arabic class in a few weeks. It's absolutely thrilling. I feel like a new person. I think I might be able to get some stuff done now. That's simply miraculous.

Today's Special: Word Vomit

It is Week 2 of summer vacation. I am just beginning to get my life in order after having it tossed around carelessly by that evil monster called School. It's been ages since I've blogged here. The truth is, I've lost my inspiration to write. This is absolutely dreadful. I could cry endless nights over this tradegy. I loved writing, but over the past few months, I've lacked the will and creativity.

"Your resentment is delicious."

Yes, I know it is. I want to get the waterfalls in my brain to pouring again. Laziness is the opium of my life, but I really need to get over that addiction. Rehab starts now. After I get another helping of ice cream.

Mommy Nabzter’s Naseehah

Who needs the naseehah hotline when you’ve got a mother? This is just the random stuff she’s always telling me. I think she should write a book.

1) Do everything for the sake of Allah. If you don’t, your deeds will just be left on this Earth and won’t benefit you in the Hereafter.

2) Seek knowledge now. If you learn what’s wrong, you’ll be less likely to do it.

3) “How many moms tell their kids that they’re about to die?” Never forget death. You never know when it might show up.

4) Find good companions. After living in the same place for 15 years, you move somewhere else, and 2 days later, you’ve completely changed. Your environment affects you the most.

5) Never despair when Allah takes something away from you. He does everything for a reason, and it was probably better that you didn’t have that thing. Just have sabr and leave everything in the hands of Allah.

My own personal naseehah: treasure your parents, especially your mother. Do everything you can for them while you’re still living with them. Love them, respect them, hug them, kiss them, do chores for them something, anything. Give them their due rights and more. They have done so much for us and we should try our best to repay them. And that’s my lesson of the day.

To Be or Not To Be

Dare I say that Shakespeare is growing onto me? Reading his lethargic plays is actually becoming quite enjoyable. I never thought this day would come. I’m reading Hamlet right now, and I can legitimately say that I have fallen in love with the language. The Old English is just so…vintage. The characters speak so beautifully that even the simplest of statements become so magical and fluttery. Like Hamlet’s mother doesn’t just say to her son to calm down or take a chill pill or whatever hippies say these days (by the way, Hamlet's mother is not a hippie). No. Instead she says, “Upon the heat and flame of thy distemper, sprinkle cool patience.” Defenitely not a hippie thing to say. And even when the characters say that they’re going to be straight and to the point, they manage to create a whole monologue: “Why day is day, night night, and time is time, were nothing but to waste night, day, and time. Therefore, such brevity is the soul of wit, and tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief. Your noble son is mad.” The guy is trying to tell some dude’s parents that their son has gone insane when in fact he’s the one who sounds loony. How cool is that? Probably not cool at all, but I love it. I find it unfortunate that I wasn’t able to enjoy the language with the past Shakespeare plays that I have read. I guess I was just being an ignorant, egotistical adolescent who was too blind to see the exquisiteness in this articulate language. Oh well. At least I’m enjoying its splendor now. I sound retarded when I try to sound smart by talking in big words. I think I’ll leave Shakespeare to all of the immaculate speech. I’ll just go and talk about Pokémon on Twitter.

While I suffer from an extreme case of boredom in this SAT practice class, you guys get to enjoy some of my favorite Hamlet quotes so far.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

“To be honest, as this world goes, is to
Be one man picked out of ten thousand.”

“We are oft to blame in this—
‘Tis too much proved—that with devotion’s visage
And pious action we do sugar o’er
The devil himself.”

“Thou turn’st mine eyes into my very soul,
And there I see such black and grainèd spots
As will not leave their tinct.”

“Be thou assured, if words made of breath,
And breath of life, I have no life to breathe
What thou hast said to me.”

Well, that was fun. I’ll spam you guys with more quotes as soon as I find some good ones. I'm now trying to figure out what that discussion about Flava Flav and fried chicken had to do with the SAT. I guess I'll never know...

LET'S ALL GET WASTED

This is my Thursday morning coffee review. So sit down, grab a newspaper, and read the same column 20 times while pretending to listen to me. I'm a hyperactive child, but I don't down caffeine well. I know, it's hard to believe. But anything caffeinated has atrocious effects on my body and my puny brain. If have pop or coffee after 6 pm, then I'll be up until 6 the next morning. Literally. I think that's why my computer and I are best friends: neither of us, unlike humans, sleep. So today I thought I'd soar to new levels by having a good ol' cuppa Joe in the a.m. Bad idea. Granted, it did wake me up. Usually I'm sleeping in my first period, bu today I was bouncing up and down. Shaking. Slurring my speech. Saying whatever came to my head. Why does it sound like I was drunk? Maybe cause I was. I now hold the strong opinion that coffee is the absolute worst substance you can put in your body, after all that narcotic stuff and eggplant. Coffee is the root of all evils, but golly, is it good. I think it's most effective on the naive teenagers. It has them in a never-ending cycle: the aroma entices the kid. The first sip leaves them smacking their lips. The second sip puts them in a trance. The third sip to the last sip puts them in a haze, leaving them delusional. After they put the empty coffee cup down with a quivering hand, they are at their high. They should not be held accountable for what they do or say in this period of time, because even if you confront them later, they won't remember. Soon, their energy will die out and they'll come crashing down. Then they'll want some more, and by this time, it will be safe to proclaim them as an addict. Kids, don't underestimate the power of coffee. It's an evil, brain-cell killing mechanism in liquid form. Keep drinking it and you'll end up like Homer Simpson with your tongue lolling out of your mouth and continuously singing "Spider Pig." Unless you do that already. It's OK. I don't judge.

Decisions, Decisions

Humans’ lives are interesting. They’re just so…complicated. Humans love having choices, but they hate making them. They like variety, but they still want conformity. They always want options, even if they never use them. They like what’s different, but they can’t handle something that isn’t mainstream. It makes no sense. Basically, a human’s life revolves around confusion. It’s what they’re best at. Rather than simply having to choose between Option 1 and Option 2, they force themselves to dig until they come across Option 791 and Option 792. I, on the other hand, prefer to live a simple life, one that is fulfilled, content, and hectic-free. I have therefore taken it upon myself to water down my options so that I can concentrate on making the correct decisions throughout my life rather than having my brain explode, which I might possibly need in the days to come. Here’s an example of my day’s worth of choices:

Morning
Sleep in an extra 5 minutes OR 10 minutes
Have Frosted Flakes for breakfast OR Frosted Flakes for breakfast
Sleep during my classes OR actually pay attention
Eat pizza for lunch OR eat ice cream for lunch
Skip my 7th period and chill in the yearbook room OR go to class and sit around with some dweeby freshmen

Afternoon
Come home and tweet uncontrollably OR participate in binge-blogging
Eat a snack OR eat a snack
Take a nap OR do homework (naps seem to be the champion of this persistent battle)
Decide who’s a better rapper: Eminem OR Dr. Seuss

Evening
Eat dinner OR nachos (this is invalid because Mom makes me eat dinner, but I refuse to give up hope)
Drink tea OR hot chocolate
Annoy the crap out of my sisters OR my parents
Momentarily contemplate whether I want to become a journalist OR a teacher
Internet OR homework

Midnight
Internet OR homework
Sleep OR die

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Ode to the Garbage Can

My mother was telling me that at the time of the Prophet salallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam, everybody praised and cursed each other through poetry. I guess that’s why all of the AlMaghribies make announcements in poetry, reply in poetry, and diss in poetry. It’s lovely. I’ve always thought that this method of conversing was so cool, and I’ve been wanting to try it out for a while now. Unfortunately, I haven’t been blessed with the same eloquence that these gifted geniuses have. But as I have learned from the poetry unit in my English class, you don’t need to be gifted or have eloquence to write poetry; you just need it to sound pretty, even if the poem is about a toad getting mangled by a lawn mower. No, seriously, I had to do a whole essay about the symbolism in this toad-guts-spilling-everywhere poem. It was mind wrenching. Anywhoo, I have decided to begin my own collection of bogus poetry so that one day I will become famous for my work. If have the poets in my English book did it, so can I.

Ode to the Garbage Can

Poor, disgruntled garbage can.
As I sit in my desk and look at you,
I realize there’s nothing you can do.
You bleakly stand there all alone
While passerbies give no care to the glory you have shone.
They insult you with looks of disgust
Without acknowledging the responsibilities you entrust.
Mockery aside, you are the chosen one.
Unlike these arrogant humans, you do what must be done.
You hold their trash, filth and all
As they give you their cold shoulder, standing so tall.

Please, garbage can, do not dismay.
For one day these people will say,
“Oh, how admirable and worthy you are.”
Praising you for the work you have done so far.
They will see how much pain you have gone through,
And they will be ashamed that they did not help you.

So dear garbage can, for you this is my ode
It’s definitely better than crying over some dead toad.

A Weekend of Awesomeness

I haven't had such a good weekend in ages. I did absolutely nothing productive. I've been so caught up with school that I forgot what it felt like to do nothing. I assure you, it's quite relaxing. I, along with the rest of my drugged family, spent Friday moping around the house until we ended up going ot the masjid. I don't remember anything from that day except for the pizza somebody got for us at the masjid. Now you know what my priorites in life are. I slept in on Saturday, wasted time on the internet, and received a card from the baby. She had spent the morning making cards for the whole family, bless her cotton socks.

This is my card. She knows that I love food so much that she decided to put it on my card. I'm keeping this forever.

She even made one for herself and called herself pretty. And she put a picture of a squirrel in it. Now that's called true love.

After getting these little tokens of love, the fam and I decided to take advantage of the gorgeous weather outside. In the morning before I had even looked outside the window, my friend had told me that it was 8 degrees outside. That got me depressed cause it meant that spring wasn't gonna come until June, and by them summer would have already gone on its vacation, so fall would never arrive, and then in winter it wouldn't snow. I don't get this logic either, but either way, I was bummed. But then I realized that this chick is Canadian, and they use Celcius waaay up there. Dumb Canadians. They think they're all cool cause they have free health care and they're hockey team just won. Whatever. My tangent is over. Can you tell that I miss that wonderfully cold place? I simply meant to say that I went to the masjid and rode my bike there. Why at the masjid? Because it's vast and free and desolate like the wild, wild West. My mom was chasing me on a scooter and my sister kept chucking the volleyball at me, but since my family has no hand-eye coordination, she kept missing. So when we tried to actually play volleyball, the ball kept going in the wrong direction, and we'd send the poor little baby to go and get it. Our family motto is now "Go get it." We got ice cream after that to get us on our sugar-high and talked in code while getting it. I was Aunt Sally, my dad was Grandpa Dave, sister 1 was George, and sister 2 was Joe. Mom and the baby were spared. I think we scared the guy who was getting our ice cream. Came home and watched Fantastic Mr. Fox. One of my friends had told me that it reminded her of me so I decided to watch it. It was hilarious. Just my type, too, complete with the perfect amount of sarcasm and blank emotion. So day 2 of the weekend is down. Gosh, I'm writing a lot. Eh. Sunday, which I think is today, got a bunch of love from my little Sunday School kids. I have grown so attached to them. They do stupid things that make me laugh. Like trying to stab my camera with a pencil. What more could a girl want?

Went to Panera with the chicas, went to a teachers' meeting where I got pizza, came home and wasted time on the internet. Perfect Sunday. And I wasn't even bombarded with homework pouring from the sky like little fireballs that try to burn you alive. I was actually spared. All praise the good Lord. Alhamdulillah. I'm still depressed that I have to go to school tomorrow, but atleast I'm having a chill day before I have to go back to that circus. Time to go waste more time to make up for all the lost time. Oh, and does anybody wanna go watch Alice in Wonderland with me? I really feel like getting high off of all the colors and high-pitched voices. Gotta love Tim Burton.

The Sunnah of Taking a Nap

This is simply to correct/justify my currently horrid sleeping habits...

Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Take a nap, for the shayaateen do not take naps.” (Reported by al-Tabaraani. Al-Saheehah, 2647).

Ishaaq ibn ‘Abd-Allaah said: “Taking a nap is one of the deeds of good people. It revitalizes the heart and helps one to pray qiyaam al-layl.”

Al-Hasan al-Basri passed by a group of people in the marketplace in the middle of the day, and heard the racket they were making. He said, “Do these people take a nap?” It was said to him, “No.” He said, “I think their nights must be bad.”

Fast forward 1400 years, and the New York Times reports, "New research has found that young adults who slept for 90 minutes after lunch raised their learning power, their memory apparently primed to absorb new facts."

From http://fatimai.tumblr.com/

My Philosophy on Life

There are two types of people in the world: ones who help you grow through their love and nurture, and ones who help you grow by testing your morals and your patience. Your family has the ability to be both. They especially have a knack at the "testing your patience" part. Particularly little sisters.

Fresh Brain Soup

My brains are fried. Literally. Well, not literally, but they might be. I'm pretty sure they are. I can't think anymore. It's like my brain just doesn't function. After not thinking for those 3 snow days, going to school was like learning to read again after suffering severe amnesia by getting hit in the head by a baseball bat. It was close to impossible. I couldn't concentrate. I was in my own world. I think I was stabbing math in the guts with my pencil-makeshift-dagger in that world. But I definitely remember doing that in class, too. And then later that day, which I'm pretty sure was Freaky Friday, I was supposed to do a halaqah. I mean I still did it, but after saying like a sentence, I couldn't remember what to say next. And for me, that's really weird cause I love talking. Even if I don't know what to say, or have nothing important to say, I'll still talk. And I'll keep talking. But that wasn't the case. Now today at Sunday School (that means today's Sunday, right?) when I was writing the names of my kids down, I think I was writing their names backwards. Like I wrote Yahya as Hayah. What in the world is wrong with me?!?! I thought that blah-mybrainismush-dontaskmeanythingthatrequiresthinking days only lasted for a day. SO WHY HAVE I BEEN SUFFERING FROM THIS HORRIBLE ILLNESS FOR LIKE 5 DAYS NOW?!?!?! SOMEONE ANSWER ME!!!!!

If you're wondering why I sound so utterly insane at the current moment, it is not only because my brain is mush; it is because I am an insomniac. I have Mountain Dew yesterday and ended up going to sleep at 6. IN THE MORNING. Yup. Caffeine and I don't go together very well. It's kinda like how people feel about Britney Spears. Sorta this love-hate relationship. They pretend to hate her, but inwardly, they love her frog-croaking songs, no matter how toxic they are. Hmm. Bad joke. I think I'll go back to my cave now. Maybe I can sleep off the blahness so that I'm not delusional again during school tomorrow. Don't wanna accidently call some kids "Yoda" again.

Sweatpants are the New Casual Chic

I remember a girl telling me once that the only thing that gets her up in the morning for school is the fact that she can dress up really cute for it. After she said that, I just stared at her, and then looked down at my own clothes, and then went back to staring at her. Seriously, I go to school in my pajamas. And I am in no way exaggerating here. Here’s what I do: wake up after pressing my snooze button like 4 times, eat my Frosted Flakes, take a quick shower, change into either my pajamas, a pair of sweats, or an old pair of jeans, throw on an abayah with a hoodie on top, take a 10 minute nap in those clothes, and then take off for school. Lather, rinse, and repeat. It’s my daily ritual. I don’t put more than 5 minutes of thought into what I wear. I’m just a laid-back person. But I’ve come to notice that there’s a difference between being laid-back and just being extremely lazy. Laid-back people at least look nice and neat and clean. I, on the other hand, look clean, just not neat and nice. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wearing clothes that are comfortable, but looking like bum all the time just doesn’t cut it. So I have decided that I am going to put more effort into looking nice when going to school. I’m still going to be lazy, but at least I’ll be wearing nice clothes while doing it. I’m envisioning a better life by wearing less black, cutting down on the pajamas and sweatpants, pulling out some of my ancient, color-encrusted scarves, buying something other than hoodies, and possibly even trying some new hijab styles. This is my goal plan for the rest of the school year. Let’s see if I actually pull through with it. As they say, you eat for yourself, but you dress for others. I don’t know if I necessarily agree with that, but trying to look a bit classier won’t hurt. I hope not.

Cover Up?

So we have a snow day again today, after having one yesterday and he day before that. You know, I'm starting to think that the school is using the excuse of "snow days" as a cover-up for an alien invasion or zombie apocalypse or something. Seriously, we had school on days that the roads were covered in ice and everyone was driving into ditches, but suddenly we have three days off? Something smells fishy. Anyway, yesterday my mom said she made some madd du'a during tahajjud that school would be closed. She seemed more excited about getting the day off than me and the sisters. I love that woman. It was gawgous outside yesterday, and we thought that meant we were gonna have school today. Nope. But it's not like I'm complaining...I don't mind having only a day left of the week. And after enduring a couple of snow globes, I was particularly enjoying yesterday's, as well as today's, blue skies, the fluffy, sparkling layer of snow on everything, and the temperature which is just enough to make your cheeks all rosy but not cause permanent damage to your organs.
It's the perfect day for some painting and Qur'an. And just in case there is a zombie apocalypse going on, I took a quiz last night and found out that I can go 45 minutes after getting bit by a zombie before becoming infected. That's some useful information right there.

What a Snow Day

This morning was glorious. It was like one of those light shining from heaven, the angels humming, floating on a cloud kind of moments. Yes, it was a snow day. I understand that it's really weird to be so excited over a snow day, but I had gone to bed at 4 in the morning, so I was quite delighted to be able to sleep in. Why was I up until 4 in the a.m, you ask?? Because I was doing a government essay. The same essay that I said I waited last minute to do. Of course, I wasn't working the whole time. Since I was typing on the computer, I got just a tad bit distracted by the internet. But isn't that why the internet was invented? I seriously think that it's all one big conspiracy. Anywhoo, I had to keep myself awake so I finished off a whole bag of Hershey's. Now I don't have any chocolate to satisfy my cravings. Pity.

I slept in until around 12. Usually when I sleep in that late, I'll be lazy the whole day. But today was actually semi-productive. It started with my sisters making breakfast for the whole fam. Their cooking puts me to shame. I can't cook anything to save my life. They make some weird egg stuff, but I have to admit, I was quite impressed.

Eggs, hummus, and french bread. Classic. Then I tried to work that food off by doing the dishes and the laundry. I don't really think that's considered working out, but at least it made me feel like I was doing something. Oh, and here comes the fun part. I decided to challenge the sisters' cooking by baking a cake. I decided a cake for two reasons: 1) cakes are the only thing besides cereal that I know how to make and 2) a snow day calls for celebration.

And I guess I kinda cheated by having one of them help me. But a child who thinks that the word "apple" starts with the letter "g" shouldn't really count, right? Not that it matters. I succeeded in baking that cake without burning the house down OR giving anybody food poisoning.

And here's the reason why it's green: I wanted to make a super awesome rainbow cake, but when I looked in the pantry, we only had green food coloring. So I decided to make a leprochaun cake. The kind that hides the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. So I guess it was almost the same thing. All I was missing were the unicorns and the lucky charms. What am I saying? Silly leprochaun, lucky charms are haram! Try saying that the same way those kids say "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!" It's quite amusing. As for the unicorns, I know they exist because I got stabbed by one. Their horns are quite sharp. I was bleeding green after that happened. I might turn into a leprochaun soon. Allahu 'alam.

The rest of the day was boring. I got a phone call from school, and my mom and I were freaking out because we thought I was in trouble or something, but I wasn't. I'll tell you that story some other time. But I just found out that we have a 2-hour delay tomorrow. Allahu Akbar!! I just need to make intense du'a for some more snow tomight so that we get another snow day tomorrow. Inshallah. Inshallah. Inshallah. Inshallah. Inshallah. Kheir. I'm off to Houstatlantavegas now. Sleep tight, y'all :)

Lesson #4248

My life lesson for today: never ever ever ever ever ever ever put off a huge essay for school until the last day. It's the equivalent of committing calorie suicide aka carbicide. You think it's yummy now, but you're just setting yourself up to gain a couple extra hundred pounds. Maybe not hundreds, but definitely a lot. So putting homework off may seem like all fun and games, but the night before it's due, you're just about killing yourself to get it done. Like I am now. And doing that is very stressful. And stress causes you to break out. So I'm basically losing in every way possible. Well, maybe not every way, cause those days that I spent not caring about this essay were pretty relaxing. Oh well. Lesson learned. I'm probably just gonna end up doing it again cause I'm a lazy person. We'll see. Allah knows best.

From the Memoirs of a Klutz

I'm a klutz. Actually, no, I'm not. I'm beyond your average klutz's league. I'm the kinda person who would make a klutz feel good about themself. People like me should have their own special name. Today, while demonstrating my extraordinary ability to make everything go wrong, I realized something. No matter how many times I trip and fall on my face, how many times I break something, how many times I push the wrong button on something, how many times I do the opposite of what the directions say, it's all for one good reason: to test me. Allah is testing me to see what my reaction will be. My sister, who seems to following my footsteps of clumsiness, also makes stupid mistakes like me. But the thing about her is that either she'll freak out about it, or something around those lines. As you grow up, you learn to handle these things with more maturity, for most people at least. You soon learn that it's not about the mistakes you make, but how you handle them. Allah wants to see if you'll have sabr when something goes wrong. You have to learn to deal with situations the right way. You have to learn to do it with sabr, ihsaan, and taqwah. Some of us, like myself, are still learning. We just to remember that everything is from Allah, and Allah is the Best of Planners.

Combat Crutches

So my dad got surgery on his knee yesterday. Alhamdulillah, he’s doing foine (that’s how they talk here in Indiana) now, but he’s been given an interesting contraption to help him walk: crutches. Crutches are probably one of the awesomest inventions ever. I’ve never broken any bone in my body, and I still find it necessary to use them. Being a klutz, the doctor within me thought that it would be smart to use them to keep me from tripping while falling or knocking something over or do any other stupid thing that can accidently be done while walking.

Our crutches-combatter in training

But aside from using crutches as a medical remedy for made-up ailments, I have come up with a list of several other uses for crutches, just in case if you wasn’t to use them but don’t have a good excuse to actually do it.

1) People Holders: If you have a bad case of ADD or ADHD, and you find it necessary to constantly move, walk, hop, run, jump, shake, skip or whatever else, then crutches are perfect for you. Because of their rubber bottom, they manage to stay firmly in place, no matter how much sugar you intake. Just put them under your arms and hold them in place on the floor, and just wait. The crutches will keep you from bouncing all over the walls until you run out of energy from trying to break free from them. Then you won’t have any energy to bounce around at all. Parents, now you know the solution for your troublesome kids.

2) Fridge Openers: In case you don’t feel like using your hands, or if you just don’t have any, then you can use the crutches to open the fridge door. Not only is it fast and simple, it’s also germ-free because you don’t have to tough the handle that everybody else touched with their filthy hands. You’re going to be the only one in the family who won’t get swine flue. It’s simply a win-win-win scenario.

3) Arm Rests: Simple. Your arm is exhausted, and nobody around you is the adequate height for you to rest your arm on their head without freaking them out. Then you remember that you brought your handy dandy crutches. Just throw your arm on it and problem solved.

4) Hallway Trippers: If you’re about to be late to class and the people around you refuse to budge, then just pull out your crutches, trip everyone around you, and quickly run to class. And if anyone asks you why you have crutches even though you can walk perfectly foine, simply deny the fact that you have them at all. It’ll keep you from being sent to the principal’s office.

5) Light Sabers: So a bunch of zombies suddenly decide that it’s time for the zombie apocalypse. They dig out of their graves in search of fresh brains to feed on. Unfortunately, Michael Jackson is dead, so distracting them by having them dance of amazingly choreographed dance moves is out of question. The only way to get rid of them is to kill them off with a bunch of light sabers, but nobody has any. So what do you do? Find a bunch of crutches and use them to knock off the zombies’ heads. And the world lives happily ever after.

*Disclaimer: All above material is free to share. However, none of it should be taken seriously. It was written under the influence of sugar, insomnia, and Friday syndrome. Crutches are now an unregistered non-trademark of theNabzter. All rights reserved. No purchase necessary, purchase at your own risk. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-HARAM. Just kidding, it's not a real number, but gambling is HARAM. Have a nice day!