LET'S ALL GET WASTED

This is my Thursday morning coffee review. So sit down, grab a newspaper, and read the same column 20 times while pretending to listen to me. I'm a hyperactive child, but I don't down caffeine well. I know, it's hard to believe. But anything caffeinated has atrocious effects on my body and my puny brain. If have pop or coffee after 6 pm, then I'll be up until 6 the next morning. Literally. I think that's why my computer and I are best friends: neither of us, unlike humans, sleep. So today I thought I'd soar to new levels by having a good ol' cuppa Joe in the a.m. Bad idea. Granted, it did wake me up. Usually I'm sleeping in my first period, bu today I was bouncing up and down. Shaking. Slurring my speech. Saying whatever came to my head. Why does it sound like I was drunk? Maybe cause I was. I now hold the strong opinion that coffee is the absolute worst substance you can put in your body, after all that narcotic stuff and eggplant. Coffee is the root of all evils, but golly, is it good. I think it's most effective on the naive teenagers. It has them in a never-ending cycle: the aroma entices the kid. The first sip leaves them smacking their lips. The second sip puts them in a trance. The third sip to the last sip puts them in a haze, leaving them delusional. After they put the empty coffee cup down with a quivering hand, they are at their high. They should not be held accountable for what they do or say in this period of time, because even if you confront them later, they won't remember. Soon, their energy will die out and they'll come crashing down. Then they'll want some more, and by this time, it will be safe to proclaim them as an addict. Kids, don't underestimate the power of coffee. It's an evil, brain-cell killing mechanism in liquid form. Keep drinking it and you'll end up like Homer Simpson with your tongue lolling out of your mouth and continuously singing "Spider Pig." Unless you do that already. It's OK. I don't judge.