Five on Five

Mondays are the dumps. Work is poured on you while you’re still trying to revive yourself from your weekend coma induced by eating your weight in Frosted Flakes and sleeping for 18 hours. Today is no different. So to wake my brain up and keep my sanity, I’m listing off the five rules that I live by in high school.

5) SDAN – Stop Drop And Nap. There isn’t any time that can’t be napping time, especially at school. Nobody can say that they haven’t fallen asleep at least once in their high school career, if not everyday of this wretched job. My favorite times to apply this rule are math and English class. I just daydream and doodle in the rest of my classes.

4) Caffeinate. As soon as you wake up from your dead-and-drooling sessions, immediately begin to drain large containers of coffee. You need to focus for the rest of the day to make up for all of that sleeping you just did. If you don’t like coffee, offer it to a chicken and then eat the chicken to absorb the caffeine.

3) Pants are useless. Do lions wear pants? No. Do bears wear pants? No. Do sharks wear pants? No. They all roam freely with nothing plastered onto their lower bodies that prevent them from doing unnecessary high kicks. Therefore, I wear them to school as little as possible. Pants are constraining. End of discussion.*

2) Suck up to teachers. I’ve never been a teacher’s pet, but I have managed to stay on their good sides. Kill them with compliments. It’ll come in handy when you forget to do homework. For example:
Mrs. Murphy - Class, please turn in your worksheets.
You – Mrs. Murphy, did I tell you how lovely you look this morning? Well, just in case I didn’t, you look absolutely stunning. Is that a new shirt? That color really suits you. And I like those shoes. The seahorses on them are quite intriguing. So how about I give you that worksheet tomorrow?
Mrs. Murphy - …
You – Great! I’m glad we could come to an agreement.

1) The magic words. When a teacher unexpectedly calls on you for an answer and you don’t have any idea of what’s going on, simply blurt out one of the following: satire, 0 degrees Kelvin, post-modernism, or free will. Chances are that one of those is going to be the correct answer.

And that is how I survive high school. Results may vary. Term and conditions apply.

*WARNING. This rule does not allow you to walk around in your underwear. Please find a socially acceptable substitute for pants, like bear skin.