Combat Crutches

So my dad got surgery on his knee yesterday. Alhamdulillah, he’s doing foine (that’s how they talk here in Indiana) now, but he’s been given an interesting contraption to help him walk: crutches. Crutches are probably one of the awesomest inventions ever. I’ve never broken any bone in my body, and I still find it necessary to use them. Being a klutz, the doctor within me thought that it would be smart to use them to keep me from tripping while falling or knocking something over or do any other stupid thing that can accidently be done while walking.

Our crutches-combatter in training

But aside from using crutches as a medical remedy for made-up ailments, I have come up with a list of several other uses for crutches, just in case if you wasn’t to use them but don’t have a good excuse to actually do it.

1) People Holders: If you have a bad case of ADD or ADHD, and you find it necessary to constantly move, walk, hop, run, jump, shake, skip or whatever else, then crutches are perfect for you. Because of their rubber bottom, they manage to stay firmly in place, no matter how much sugar you intake. Just put them under your arms and hold them in place on the floor, and just wait. The crutches will keep you from bouncing all over the walls until you run out of energy from trying to break free from them. Then you won’t have any energy to bounce around at all. Parents, now you know the solution for your troublesome kids.

2) Fridge Openers: In case you don’t feel like using your hands, or if you just don’t have any, then you can use the crutches to open the fridge door. Not only is it fast and simple, it’s also germ-free because you don’t have to tough the handle that everybody else touched with their filthy hands. You’re going to be the only one in the family who won’t get swine flue. It’s simply a win-win-win scenario.

3) Arm Rests: Simple. Your arm is exhausted, and nobody around you is the adequate height for you to rest your arm on their head without freaking them out. Then you remember that you brought your handy dandy crutches. Just throw your arm on it and problem solved.

4) Hallway Trippers: If you’re about to be late to class and the people around you refuse to budge, then just pull out your crutches, trip everyone around you, and quickly run to class. And if anyone asks you why you have crutches even though you can walk perfectly foine, simply deny the fact that you have them at all. It’ll keep you from being sent to the principal’s office.

5) Light Sabers: So a bunch of zombies suddenly decide that it’s time for the zombie apocalypse. They dig out of their graves in search of fresh brains to feed on. Unfortunately, Michael Jackson is dead, so distracting them by having them dance of amazingly choreographed dance moves is out of question. The only way to get rid of them is to kill them off with a bunch of light sabers, but nobody has any. So what do you do? Find a bunch of crutches and use them to knock off the zombies’ heads. And the world lives happily ever after.

*Disclaimer: All above material is free to share. However, none of it should be taken seriously. It was written under the influence of sugar, insomnia, and Friday syndrome. Crutches are now an unregistered non-trademark of theNabzter. All rights reserved. No purchase necessary, purchase at your own risk. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-HARAM. Just kidding, it's not a real number, but gambling is HARAM. Have a nice day!