My Internet History

I have been living a significant portion of my life on the Internet. My social interaction is minimal, yet my abilities to create havoc in the online community have improved exponentially. I have an extra day off this weekend, so I thought I'd be productive for a change, but judging from the fact that I'm blogging, that would not be the case. Instead, I went through my old e-mails, which date back to September 19, 2004. (I'm guessing my birthday present was an e-mail address, which is, of course, every child's dream. Who needs books or an extra pair of shoes?) I felt the need to compare myself between now and then, but after reading some of the things I wrote, I feel like I didn't have a functioning brain at that stage of my life. Comparing the past me to the present me would be like comparing Donald Trump to Albert Einstein. It's unnecessary, awkward, and wrong in many different levels. Just reading the subject line from some of the e-mails I wrote makes me cringe. I don't know whether to be amused or burn my laptop out of embarrassment. Yet hiding behind the glowing screen in front of me has caused to me grow stronger, and therefore, I will share some of my best messages with the world.


Exhibit A:

I have no idea what it says. It's in some code, and so I didn't even bother trying to figure it out. It probably says, "To whom it may concern: I have written to you an innumerable amount of times, and you have not responded once. For the last time, can you just give me my pet turtle back?"

Exhibit B:

First felony: COMIC SANS. Second felony: LAUGHING AT MY OWN JOKES. Third felony: COMIC SANS. But you can see that my unnaturally alluring charisma has begun to flourish, and that would eliminate two out of the three felonies.

Exhibit C:

To make matters worse, it was titled "Yo, whaz up dawg!!!" I was never a cool kid.

Exhibit D:

This one just speaks for itself. I tried way too hard as a child. I feel like these e-mails are predicting my sad future. What does 2 century even mean?

And finally, Exhibit E:

OH, THE APOSTROPHES. OH, THE EXCLAMATION MARK. OH DEAR GOD, MY EYES. But hey, I could learn a lesson or two from the old me about being concise. Maybe it's not necessary to write five paragraphs in order to get your point across. All I need are a few extra exclamation marks and possibly some pepper spray.

From this point, I began abusing my messaging privileges to forward chain e-mails to everyone I knew. And thus began my journey through the viral world. I started off as a child who didn't know the difference between z and s, but I think have blossomed into a fine, nocturnal young woman. I'm pretty sure I'll be doing the same thing with my blog posts in about 10 years. So if the future me is reading this, HELLOOO. I hope you are enjoying your flying cars and floating house. 

How To Write Good

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. They’re old hat.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren’t necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

My Life in Numbers

I slept for fifteen hours (15 HOURS) and I just ate breakfast which consisted of something other than cereal but I'm not sure what it was because I burnt my tongue while drinking my third cup of coffee so I couldn't taste anything and I didn't bother looking down at my plate and it's a miracle that I'm even using semi-proper grammar right now and I've only been sitting on this chair for 5 minutes and my backside is already hurting and I think I'm starting to go a little cross eyed. It's spring break. I have a second chance to redeem my sanity. I have absolutely nothing planned for the next 10 days, and so I thought I'd start it off right by contemplating over my life. I've used my limited knowledge I have of the theory of quantum physics to mathematically divide all of the time within the last year of my existence into 17 distinct categories, along with the percentage of how much of the year was spent (wasted) in that category, which have been listed in descending order:

1. Time spent sleeping: 25% (131,400 minutes)

2. Time spent eating: 12.5% (65,700 minutes)

3. Time spent living moments of blatant awesomeness that cannot be put into words: 11.5% (60,225 minutes)

4. Time spent awake due to Internet access: 10.4% (54,750 minutes)

5. Time spent pretending to work on homework: 8.3% (43,800 minutes)

6. Time spent praying: 5.2% (27,375 minutes)

7. Time spent yelling at my sisters to stop singing: 4.2% (21,900 minutes)

8. Time spent living horrific tales of sheer embarrassment that cannot be put into words: 3.1% (16,425 minutes)

9. Time spent trying to figure out what a Sheikh said last so I can write it in my notes, but then missing what he says next, and therefore failing at note-taking all together: 2.7% (14,400 minutes)

10. Time spent awake due to Internet access: 10.4% (54,750 minutes)

11. Time spent actually working on homework: 1.7% (9,125 minutes)

12. Time spent laughing for no apparent reason: 1.4% (7,300 minutes)

13. Time spent watching BBC and PBS: 1.04% (5,475 minutes)

14. Time spent telling myself that I don't need sleep at 3 AM because I procrastinated on my homework: 0.07% (3,657 minutes)

15. Time spent listening to my Qur'an teacher tell me that I need to do قلقلة: n0.005% (2,555 minutes)

16. Time spent trying to peel an orange without getting the juice in my paper cut: 0.004% (1,825 minutes)

17. Time spent in making this list: 0.00014% (75 minutes)

18. *BONUS: Time spent trying to fish the croutons out of the soup I was eating while coming up with this list: 0.000029% (15 minutes)

I actually got out my calculator to multiply and divide into these percentages, so I think they're fairly accurate. In that case, this is quite frightening because I spend more time on the Internet than I do praying. I'm calling for an intervention.

إِنَّ اللّهَ لاَ يُغَيِّرُ مَا بِقَوْمٍ حَتَّى يُغَيِّرُواْ مَا بِأَنْفُسِهِمْ

"Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves." [13:11]

Bonus: 11 More Ways To Successfully Annoy an Equally Annoying Counterpart

1. Ask people what gender they are. When they respond, scratch your head, look skeptical, and ask, "You sure about that?"

2. Yell random numbers while someone is trying to count.

3. Beatbox along to every song, even if you can't beatbox. Especially if you can't beatbox.

4. Get on your hands and knees in the middle of a busy, crowded hallway. If someone asks you to move, scream "I'M LOOKING FOR MY CONTACT LENS. BACK OFF." Then lie on their feet.

5. Get into a fake boxing match with someone who has no idea what you're doing.

6. Sing your own theme music while you run down the halls acting like a ninja.

7. Ask the girl at the cash register if you can pay her in gum. When she says no, ask if you can pay her in trash.

8. Block your eyes and yell "EEWWWWWW!" at all of the kissing scenes in movies.

9. When someone tells you something, say "What?" as if you didn't hear. See how many times they'll repeat themselves until they catch on.

10. Stare quizzically at people. When asked what you're doing, just turn away, shake your head, and mumble something about "the prophecy."

11. When the waiter asks if your food is okay, burst into tears and launch into your life story. The long version.

10 Ways To Successfully Annoy an Equally Annoying Counterpart

Is there someone in your life who, for no particular reason at all, you want to annoy? That kid in your history class, your friends, your parents, your parents' friends, your friend's friend's sister's cousin twice removed? Well, now you can! And I personally guarantee your satisfaction: your unsuspecting victim will cry, attempt to kill you, and then beg for mercy, while still attempting to kill you.

This series has been divided into 2 parts. Ten more tactics will be posted as soon as I get out of this cellar.

1. Say someone's name over and over. If possible, add stuff that rhymes. Example:

You: Dan. Dan. Dan. DAN, SERIOUSLY. Dan. Dan. Dan the Man. Dan-a-lan-a-dingdong. Dan-a-roo. Dan Face. Danny Boy. Dan. Dan. Da—"
Dan: WHAT?
You: Your fly is down. 

2. Tell everyone his fly is down, even if it isn't. This is especially effective if you make outrageously unsubtle hand signals in the direction of his crotch during his class presentation.

3. Bring 13 popsicles to class. Line them up on your desk. Challenge yourself to a popsicle-eating race. Slurp as loudly as possible.

4. Overreact to absolutely everything that someone says. Example:

Gary: So then I bought pants.
You: YOU DIDN'T!! GARY, YOU SLY, SLY SONOFAGUN! YOU OLD DOG, YOU! *Falls to the floor, wracked with laughter, and has to be dragged from the scene* 

5. At a sleepover, wait until everyone is distracted, then steal their left shoes and put them in the freezer.

6. Put sand in your sibling's bed.

7. Talk over people whenever they try to say something. Example:

Bryn: And then I was like, "Steven, you can't be seriou—"
You: MY PANTS ARE MADE OF PUDDING.
Bryn: What? Uh, sure. And then Steven sai—
You: DON'T YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT PUDDING PANTS?
Bryn: Why are yo—
You: PUDDING PANTS, PUDDING PANTS. PUDDINGPUDDINGPUDDING PANTS.

8. Give yourself an extravagant title such as "Lord of all that was, is, and ever will be" or "The Pancake Man." Insist on referring to yourself in the third person. If someone refuses to call you by your title, buy a bunch of pies and throw them at the offender until she gives in.

9. Send link after link of painfully unfunny Youtube videos. When the recipients tell you that they didn't like one, apologize and say that the next one will be better. Rinse and repeat.

10. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your imaginary friend. Then put your arm around him, chuff him fondly on the chin, and say "This one's on you, right, Steve-O?