My Internet History

I have been living a significant portion of my life on the Internet. My social interaction is minimal, yet my abilities to create havoc in the online community have improved exponentially. I have an extra day off this weekend, so I thought I'd be productive for a change, but judging from the fact that I'm blogging, that would not be the case. Instead, I went through my old e-mails, which date back to September 19, 2004. (I'm guessing my birthday present was an e-mail address, which is, of course, every child's dream. Who needs books or an extra pair of shoes?) I felt the need to compare myself between now and then, but after reading some of the things I wrote, I feel like I didn't have a functioning brain at that stage of my life. Comparing the past me to the present me would be like comparing Donald Trump to Albert Einstein. It's unnecessary, awkward, and wrong in many different levels. Just reading the subject line from some of the e-mails I wrote makes me cringe. I don't know whether to be amused or burn my laptop out of embarrassment. Yet hiding behind the glowing screen in front of me has caused to me grow stronger, and therefore, I will share some of my best messages with the world.


Exhibit A:

I have no idea what it says. It's in some code, and so I didn't even bother trying to figure it out. It probably says, "To whom it may concern: I have written to you an innumerable amount of times, and you have not responded once. For the last time, can you just give me my pet turtle back?"

Exhibit B:

First felony: COMIC SANS. Second felony: LAUGHING AT MY OWN JOKES. Third felony: COMIC SANS. But you can see that my unnaturally alluring charisma has begun to flourish, and that would eliminate two out of the three felonies.

Exhibit C:

To make matters worse, it was titled "Yo, whaz up dawg!!!" I was never a cool kid.

Exhibit D:

This one just speaks for itself. I tried way too hard as a child. I feel like these e-mails are predicting my sad future. What does 2 century even mean?

And finally, Exhibit E:

OH, THE APOSTROPHES. OH, THE EXCLAMATION MARK. OH DEAR GOD, MY EYES. But hey, I could learn a lesson or two from the old me about being concise. Maybe it's not necessary to write five paragraphs in order to get your point across. All I need are a few extra exclamation marks and possibly some pepper spray.

From this point, I began abusing my messaging privileges to forward chain e-mails to everyone I knew. And thus began my journey through the viral world. I started off as a child who didn't know the difference between z and s, but I think have blossomed into a fine, nocturnal young woman. I'm pretty sure I'll be doing the same thing with my blog posts in about 10 years. So if the future me is reading this, HELLOOO. I hope you are enjoying your flying cars and floating house.