Analogies for the Soul

I'm trying to write an APA paper right now, but it's not working. I came across something titled "56 worst analogies used in High School papers," and I assure you, nothing will ever make you feel better about your writing than this. Although they are all too brilliant to be hand-picked by an unworthy and inexperienced writer like myself, I decided to pick a few of my favorites.

1. He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
2. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
3. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
4. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
5. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
7. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
8. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
9. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
10. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
11. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
12. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
13. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
14. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
15. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
16. The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
17. The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
18. Her eyes were shining like two marbles that someone dropped in mucus and then held up to catch the light.
19. I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.
20. Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
21. Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
22. The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 10 percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent black.