Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
5 More Types of Highly Annoying People
1. The Overreactor: This is the friend (or maybe ex-friend) who just can't let anything go. You jokingly bring up how she used to throw soggy graham crackers at your face in the third grade, and BAM, you don't hear a word from her for days. Overreactors love to blow up over meaningless comments, and if they're not pouting and ignoring you, they're pestering you to such an extent that you just can't help but snap and scream, "ENOUGH! I GET THE POINT! GO AWAY, OR I WILL BE FORCED TO STAB YOU WITH MY CALCULATOR!" Which is advisable only as a last resort, because calculators aren't very sharp.
2. The Egomaniac: These people aren't just annoying; they're rude, too. Say you got a lead part in the school play, and you excitedly share the news with an Egomaniac. Does she respond by screaming that you're awesome and giving you a giant hug? Nope. She just stands there, blinking, and maybe says something like, "Oh. Huh. I could have gotten that part, but it didn't really require enough talent to interest me." An Egomaniac never appreciates anyone else's accomplishments, but loves to shout his/her own successes from the rooftops. If you know someone like this, give him/her a plane ticket toAlaska
3. The Fun-Sucker: These people are the worst. When you make a sarcastic remark, even if everyone else in the room is cracking up, the Fun-Sucker just stares at you as if you're the stupidest person in the history of the planet. Fun-Suckers are basically sore losers who want the attention for themselves at all times, and no matter how genius or hilarious your comment may be, they won't crack so much as a grin. They're selfish, tend to be overly studious, and have been known to enjoy granola bars. Watch out.
4. The Ultra-Saint: These people seem lovely the first time you meet them, but by the third time around, you've pretty much had it. There's nothing wrong with niceness, but if it's a Monday morning and you can hardly keep yourself from slamming your head against your locker, this is not a person you want to run into. Example:
5. The Hypocrite: Hypocrites are almost worse than liars: they're not only lying to you, they're lying to themselves. They gossip about their best friends and then freak out when they hear someone else do the same; they preach against cheating on tests, but are always looking over your shoulder in Calculus. Hypocrites are in a permanent stage of denial, and somebody needs to slap them with a dead squirrel. Just don't kill the squirrel yourself, because that would be creepy and gross.
2. The Egomaniac: These people aren't just annoying; they're rude, too. Say you got a lead part in the school play, and you excitedly share the news with an Egomaniac. Does she respond by screaming that you're awesome and giving you a giant hug? Nope. She just stands there, blinking, and maybe says something like, "Oh. Huh. I could have gotten that part, but it didn't really require enough talent to interest me." An Egomaniac never appreciates anyone else's accomplishments, but loves to shout his/her own successes from the rooftops. If you know someone like this, give him/her a plane ticket to
3. The Fun-Sucker: These people are the worst. When you make a sarcastic remark, even if everyone else in the room is cracking up, the Fun-Sucker just stares at you as if you're the stupidest person in the history of the planet. Fun-Suckers are basically sore losers who want the attention for themselves at all times, and no matter how genius or hilarious your comment may be, they won't crack so much as a grin. They're selfish, tend to be overly studious, and have been known to enjoy granola bars. Watch out.
4. The Ultra-Saint: These people seem lovely the first time you meet them, but by the third time around, you've pretty much had it. There's nothing wrong with niceness, but if it's a Monday morning and you can hardly keep yourself from slamming your head against your locker, this is not a person you want to run into. Example:
You: Bah. Monday. So. Tired. Hate. Everything.Even if you're all for saving the whales and the rainforest, the Ultra-Saint's constant tendency to over-do the enthusiasm is bound to irk you, especially if you have a low tolerance for giant grins and shouting.
Ultra-Saint: HI THERE! AREN'T MONDAYS GREAT? WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME TO MY SAVE THE WHALES MEETING?
You: ...Sure. If you don't yell.
Ultra-Saint: *grinning* I'M NOT YELLING, THAT'S JUST MYNORMAL VOICE, SILLY. I LIKE YOUR SHIRT!
You: Thank you. Can you leave now?
Ultra-Saint: SURE, I'LL GO EVEN THOUGH YOU DIDN'T SAY PLEASE. I HOPE I SEE YOU CHAINED TO A TREE WITH ME TO PROTEST THE DESTRUCTION OF THE RAIN FOREST!
5. The Hypocrite: Hypocrites are almost worse than liars: they're not only lying to you, they're lying to themselves. They gossip about their best friends and then freak out when they hear someone else do the same; they preach against cheating on tests, but are always looking over your shoulder in Calculus. Hypocrites are in a permanent stage of denial, and somebody needs to slap them with a dead squirrel. Just don't kill the squirrel yourself, because that would be creepy and gross.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Highly Annoying People
Just some more school-related venting. Here’s a list of the annoying kids who make my school day a bit more nerve-wracking:
1. Slow Walking People. OK, seriously? We have SIX MINUTES to get to freaking class, and these people want to lolligag? No. Pick up the pace a little bit, people. I have to get all the way downstairs and then back up, and you're in front of me with your pants below your knees, pretending that you have swagger. Suburban white kid, could you not do that in the middle of the hallway, please?
2. People who feel the need to say (insert cuss word here) between EVERYTHING they say. It is fine, to an extent, to say these words. You're a human being. But when you go around and are like, "Oh My #^$%$^ ? God man!!! Did you see that#@%@#% go to the @#$#@$#@$ street @#$#@$ giraffe!!! It was so @#$@#$@# off the $!@$!@#.!!!" It gets to the point where I can't even understand what you're saying. I understand every other word, so the sentence ends up sounding like "Oh my God man!! Did you see that go to the giraffe!! It was so!!!!" Did I see a giraffe do what?
3. Goody Two-Shoes, Teacher's Pet, etc. You know you've seen them. They lurk around in an unassuming way, then *BOOM,* like a time bomb, they go off with their never-ending supply of niceness: "Oh, let me pick that up for you," "Could you help me pick out a book for this book report? I just respect your opinion SO much," "That is SO funny!" You get the idea. It's good to be nice to teachers, but there IS a boundary between friendly and down-right creepy and, well, annoying.
4. Skinny girls who go to the bathroom just to check themselves out, and then say, "Oh my God, I'm ssooooooooooo fat. I knew I only should have had one rice cracker for breakfast!" Then they proceed to dump a truckload of makeup on their face, which always seems to find a spot on your clothes. These girls don't need to be wasting precious school bathroom passes on things like this. Some of us, you know, ACTUALLY have to go to the bathroom. Shocking, I know.
1. Slow Walking People. OK, seriously? We have SIX MINUTES to get to freaking class, and these people want to lolligag? No. Pick up the pace a little bit, people. I have to get all the way downstairs and then back up, and you're in front of me with your pants below your knees, pretending that you have swagger. Suburban white kid, could you not do that in the middle of the hallway, please?
2. People who feel the need to say (insert cuss word here) between EVERYTHING they say. It is fine, to an extent, to say these words. You're a human being. But when you go around and are like, "Oh My #^$%$^ ? God man!!! Did you see that#@%@#% go to the @#$#@$#@$ street @#$#@$ giraffe!!! It was so @#$@#$@# off the $!@$!@#.!!!" It gets to the point where I can't even understand what you're saying. I understand every other word, so the sentence ends up sounding like "Oh my God man!! Did you see that go to the giraffe!! It was so!!!!" Did I see a giraffe do what?
3. Goody Two-Shoes, Teacher's Pet, etc. You know you've seen them. They lurk around in an unassuming way, then *BOOM,* like a time bomb, they go off with their never-ending supply of niceness: "Oh, let me pick that up for you," "Could you help me pick out a book for this book report? I just respect your opinion SO much," "That is SO funny!" You get the idea. It's good to be nice to teachers, but there IS a boundary between friendly and down-right creepy and, well, annoying.
4. Skinny girls who go to the bathroom just to check themselves out, and then say, "Oh my God, I'm ssooooooooooo fat. I knew I only should have had one rice cracker for breakfast!" Then they proceed to dump a truckload of makeup on their face, which always seems to find a spot on your clothes. These girls don't need to be wasting precious school bathroom passes on things like this. Some of us, you know, ACTUALLY have to go to the bathroom. Shocking, I know.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
More Words That Don't Exist In the English Language
Biritululo (New Guinea): the act of comparing yams to settle a dispute.
Zalatwic (Polish): the use of friends, bribes, personal charm or connections to get something done. This was particularly useful in the days of communism, as it was easier to get something you wanted through guile as opposed to official means.
Tingo (Easter Island): a person who borrows things from a friend’s house one by one until there is nothing left.
Bakku-shan (Japanese): the word for a girl who looks pretty from behind but ugly in front.
Kyoikumama (Japanese): a mother who pushes her children far too hard when it comes to schoolwork.
Qualunquismo (Italian): a person who doesn’t really care about politics and issues in society. The term came from a political party in Italy, in 1944, which promoted anti-political feelings and a mistrust of public organizations. The party was called the Fronte dell’Uomo Qualunque or “the front of the ordinary man.”
Uitwaaien (Dutch): take a brief break in the country side to clear one’s head.
Hygge (Danish): complete absence of anything annoying, irritating or emotionally overwhelming, and the presence of and pleasure from comforting, gentle and soothing things.
Zalatwic (Polish): the use of friends, bribes, personal charm or connections to get something done. This was particularly useful in the days of communism, as it was easier to get something you wanted through guile as opposed to official means.
Tingo (Easter Island): a person who borrows things from a friend’s house one by one until there is nothing left.
Bakku-shan (Japanese): the word for a girl who looks pretty from behind but ugly in front.
Kyoikumama (Japanese): a mother who pushes her children far too hard when it comes to schoolwork.
Qualunquismo (Italian): a person who doesn’t really care about politics and issues in society. The term came from a political party in Italy, in 1944, which promoted anti-political feelings and a mistrust of public organizations. The party was called the Fronte dell’Uomo Qualunque or “the front of the ordinary man.”
Uitwaaien (Dutch): take a brief break in the country side to clear one’s head.
Hygge (Danish): complete absence of anything annoying, irritating or emotionally overwhelming, and the presence of and pleasure from comforting, gentle and soothing things.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Five on Five
Mondays are the dumps. Work is poured on you while you’re still trying to revive yourself from your weekend coma induced by eating your weight in Frosted Flakes and sleeping for 18 hours. Today is no different. So to wake my brain up and keep my sanity, I’m listing off the five rules that I live by in high school.
5) SDAN – Stop Drop And Nap. There isn’t any time that can’t be napping time, especially at school. Nobody can say that they haven’t fallen asleep at least once in their high school career, if not everyday of this wretched job. My favorite times to apply this rule are math and English class. I just daydream and doodle in the rest of my classes.
4) Caffeinate. As soon as you wake up from your dead-and-drooling sessions, immediately begin to drain large containers of coffee. You need to focus for the rest of the day to make up for all of that sleeping you just did. If you don’t like coffee, offer it to a chicken and then eat the chicken to absorb the caffeine.
3) Pants are useless. Do lions wear pants? No. Do bears wear pants? No. Do sharks wear pants? No. They all roam freely with nothing plastered onto their lower bodies that prevent them from doing unnecessary high kicks. Therefore, I wear them to school as little as possible. Pants are constraining. End of discussion.*
2) Suck up to teachers. I’ve never been a teacher’s pet, but I have managed to stay on their good sides. Kill them with compliments. It’ll come in handy when you forget to do homework. For example:
Mrs. Murphy - Class, please turn in your worksheets.
You – Mrs. Murphy, did I tell you how lovely you look this morning? Well, just in case I didn’t, you look absolutely stunning. Is that a new shirt? That color really suits you. And I like those shoes. The seahorses on them are quite intriguing. So how about I give you that worksheet tomorrow?
Mrs. Murphy - …
You – Great! I’m glad we could come to an agreement.
1) The magic words. When a teacher unexpectedly calls on you for an answer and you don’t have any idea of what’s going on, simply blurt out one of the following: satire, 0 degrees Kelvin, post-modernism, or free will. Chances are that one of those is going to be the correct answer.
And that is how I survive high school. Results may vary. Term and conditions apply.
*WARNING. This rule does not allow you to walk around in your underwear. Please find a socially acceptable substitute for pants, like bear skin.
5) SDAN – Stop Drop And Nap. There isn’t any time that can’t be napping time, especially at school. Nobody can say that they haven’t fallen asleep at least once in their high school career, if not everyday of this wretched job. My favorite times to apply this rule are math and English class. I just daydream and doodle in the rest of my classes.
4) Caffeinate. As soon as you wake up from your dead-and-drooling sessions, immediately begin to drain large containers of coffee. You need to focus for the rest of the day to make up for all of that sleeping you just did. If you don’t like coffee, offer it to a chicken and then eat the chicken to absorb the caffeine.
3) Pants are useless. Do lions wear pants? No. Do bears wear pants? No. Do sharks wear pants? No. They all roam freely with nothing plastered onto their lower bodies that prevent them from doing unnecessary high kicks. Therefore, I wear them to school as little as possible. Pants are constraining. End of discussion.*
2) Suck up to teachers. I’ve never been a teacher’s pet, but I have managed to stay on their good sides. Kill them with compliments. It’ll come in handy when you forget to do homework. For example:
Mrs. Murphy - Class, please turn in your worksheets.
You – Mrs. Murphy, did I tell you how lovely you look this morning? Well, just in case I didn’t, you look absolutely stunning. Is that a new shirt? That color really suits you. And I like those shoes. The seahorses on them are quite intriguing. So how about I give you that worksheet tomorrow?
Mrs. Murphy - …
You – Great! I’m glad we could come to an agreement.
1) The magic words. When a teacher unexpectedly calls on you for an answer and you don’t have any idea of what’s going on, simply blurt out one of the following: satire, 0 degrees Kelvin, post-modernism, or free will. Chances are that one of those is going to be the correct answer.
And that is how I survive high school. Results may vary. Term and conditions apply.
*WARNING. This rule does not allow you to walk around in your underwear. Please find a socially acceptable substitute for pants, like bear skin.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
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