Fresh Brain Soup

My brains are fried. Literally. Well, not literally, but they might be. I'm pretty sure they are. I can't think anymore. It's like my brain just doesn't function. After not thinking for those 3 snow days, going to school was like learning to read again after suffering severe amnesia by getting hit in the head by a baseball bat. It was close to impossible. I couldn't concentrate. I was in my own world. I think I was stabbing math in the guts with my pencil-makeshift-dagger in that world. But I definitely remember doing that in class, too. And then later that day, which I'm pretty sure was Freaky Friday, I was supposed to do a halaqah. I mean I still did it, but after saying like a sentence, I couldn't remember what to say next. And for me, that's really weird cause I love talking. Even if I don't know what to say, or have nothing important to say, I'll still talk. And I'll keep talking. But that wasn't the case. Now today at Sunday School (that means today's Sunday, right?) when I was writing the names of my kids down, I think I was writing their names backwards. Like I wrote Yahya as Hayah. What in the world is wrong with me?!?! I thought that blah-mybrainismush-dontaskmeanythingthatrequiresthinking days only lasted for a day. SO WHY HAVE I BEEN SUFFERING FROM THIS HORRIBLE ILLNESS FOR LIKE 5 DAYS NOW?!?!?! SOMEONE ANSWER ME!!!!!

If you're wondering why I sound so utterly insane at the current moment, it is not only because my brain is mush; it is because I am an insomniac. I have Mountain Dew yesterday and ended up going to sleep at 6. IN THE MORNING. Yup. Caffeine and I don't go together very well. It's kinda like how people feel about Britney Spears. Sorta this love-hate relationship. They pretend to hate her, but inwardly, they love her frog-croaking songs, no matter how toxic they are. Hmm. Bad joke. I think I'll go back to my cave now. Maybe I can sleep off the blahness so that I'm not delusional again during school tomorrow. Don't wanna accidently call some kids "Yoda" again.

Sweatpants are the New Casual Chic

I remember a girl telling me once that the only thing that gets her up in the morning for school is the fact that she can dress up really cute for it. After she said that, I just stared at her, and then looked down at my own clothes, and then went back to staring at her. Seriously, I go to school in my pajamas. And I am in no way exaggerating here. Here’s what I do: wake up after pressing my snooze button like 4 times, eat my Frosted Flakes, take a quick shower, change into either my pajamas, a pair of sweats, or an old pair of jeans, throw on an abayah with a hoodie on top, take a 10 minute nap in those clothes, and then take off for school. Lather, rinse, and repeat. It’s my daily ritual. I don’t put more than 5 minutes of thought into what I wear. I’m just a laid-back person. But I’ve come to notice that there’s a difference between being laid-back and just being extremely lazy. Laid-back people at least look nice and neat and clean. I, on the other hand, look clean, just not neat and nice. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wearing clothes that are comfortable, but looking like bum all the time just doesn’t cut it. So I have decided that I am going to put more effort into looking nice when going to school. I’m still going to be lazy, but at least I’ll be wearing nice clothes while doing it. I’m envisioning a better life by wearing less black, cutting down on the pajamas and sweatpants, pulling out some of my ancient, color-encrusted scarves, buying something other than hoodies, and possibly even trying some new hijab styles. This is my goal plan for the rest of the school year. Let’s see if I actually pull through with it. As they say, you eat for yourself, but you dress for others. I don’t know if I necessarily agree with that, but trying to look a bit classier won’t hurt. I hope not.

Cover Up?

So we have a snow day again today, after having one yesterday and he day before that. You know, I'm starting to think that the school is using the excuse of "snow days" as a cover-up for an alien invasion or zombie apocalypse or something. Seriously, we had school on days that the roads were covered in ice and everyone was driving into ditches, but suddenly we have three days off? Something smells fishy. Anyway, yesterday my mom said she made some madd du'a during tahajjud that school would be closed. She seemed more excited about getting the day off than me and the sisters. I love that woman. It was gawgous outside yesterday, and we thought that meant we were gonna have school today. Nope. But it's not like I'm complaining...I don't mind having only a day left of the week. And after enduring a couple of snow globes, I was particularly enjoying yesterday's, as well as today's, blue skies, the fluffy, sparkling layer of snow on everything, and the temperature which is just enough to make your cheeks all rosy but not cause permanent damage to your organs.
It's the perfect day for some painting and Qur'an. And just in case there is a zombie apocalypse going on, I took a quiz last night and found out that I can go 45 minutes after getting bit by a zombie before becoming infected. That's some useful information right there.

What a Snow Day

This morning was glorious. It was like one of those light shining from heaven, the angels humming, floating on a cloud kind of moments. Yes, it was a snow day. I understand that it's really weird to be so excited over a snow day, but I had gone to bed at 4 in the morning, so I was quite delighted to be able to sleep in. Why was I up until 4 in the a.m, you ask?? Because I was doing a government essay. The same essay that I said I waited last minute to do. Of course, I wasn't working the whole time. Since I was typing on the computer, I got just a tad bit distracted by the internet. But isn't that why the internet was invented? I seriously think that it's all one big conspiracy. Anywhoo, I had to keep myself awake so I finished off a whole bag of Hershey's. Now I don't have any chocolate to satisfy my cravings. Pity.

I slept in until around 12. Usually when I sleep in that late, I'll be lazy the whole day. But today was actually semi-productive. It started with my sisters making breakfast for the whole fam. Their cooking puts me to shame. I can't cook anything to save my life. They make some weird egg stuff, but I have to admit, I was quite impressed.

Eggs, hummus, and french bread. Classic. Then I tried to work that food off by doing the dishes and the laundry. I don't really think that's considered working out, but at least it made me feel like I was doing something. Oh, and here comes the fun part. I decided to challenge the sisters' cooking by baking a cake. I decided a cake for two reasons: 1) cakes are the only thing besides cereal that I know how to make and 2) a snow day calls for celebration.

And I guess I kinda cheated by having one of them help me. But a child who thinks that the word "apple" starts with the letter "g" shouldn't really count, right? Not that it matters. I succeeded in baking that cake without burning the house down OR giving anybody food poisoning.

And here's the reason why it's green: I wanted to make a super awesome rainbow cake, but when I looked in the pantry, we only had green food coloring. So I decided to make a leprochaun cake. The kind that hides the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. So I guess it was almost the same thing. All I was missing were the unicorns and the lucky charms. What am I saying? Silly leprochaun, lucky charms are haram! Try saying that the same way those kids say "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!" It's quite amusing. As for the unicorns, I know they exist because I got stabbed by one. Their horns are quite sharp. I was bleeding green after that happened. I might turn into a leprochaun soon. Allahu 'alam.

The rest of the day was boring. I got a phone call from school, and my mom and I were freaking out because we thought I was in trouble or something, but I wasn't. I'll tell you that story some other time. But I just found out that we have a 2-hour delay tomorrow. Allahu Akbar!! I just need to make intense du'a for some more snow tomight so that we get another snow day tomorrow. Inshallah. Inshallah. Inshallah. Inshallah. Inshallah. Kheir. I'm off to Houstatlantavegas now. Sleep tight, y'all :)

Lesson #4248

My life lesson for today: never ever ever ever ever ever ever put off a huge essay for school until the last day. It's the equivalent of committing calorie suicide aka carbicide. You think it's yummy now, but you're just setting yourself up to gain a couple extra hundred pounds. Maybe not hundreds, but definitely a lot. So putting homework off may seem like all fun and games, but the night before it's due, you're just about killing yourself to get it done. Like I am now. And doing that is very stressful. And stress causes you to break out. So I'm basically losing in every way possible. Well, maybe not every way, cause those days that I spent not caring about this essay were pretty relaxing. Oh well. Lesson learned. I'm probably just gonna end up doing it again cause I'm a lazy person. We'll see. Allah knows best.

From the Memoirs of a Klutz

I'm a klutz. Actually, no, I'm not. I'm beyond your average klutz's league. I'm the kinda person who would make a klutz feel good about themself. People like me should have their own special name. Today, while demonstrating my extraordinary ability to make everything go wrong, I realized something. No matter how many times I trip and fall on my face, how many times I break something, how many times I push the wrong button on something, how many times I do the opposite of what the directions say, it's all for one good reason: to test me. Allah is testing me to see what my reaction will be. My sister, who seems to following my footsteps of clumsiness, also makes stupid mistakes like me. But the thing about her is that either she'll freak out about it, or something around those lines. As you grow up, you learn to handle these things with more maturity, for most people at least. You soon learn that it's not about the mistakes you make, but how you handle them. Allah wants to see if you'll have sabr when something goes wrong. You have to learn to deal with situations the right way. You have to learn to do it with sabr, ihsaan, and taqwah. Some of us, like myself, are still learning. We just to remember that everything is from Allah, and Allah is the Best of Planners.

Combat Crutches

So my dad got surgery on his knee yesterday. Alhamdulillah, he’s doing foine (that’s how they talk here in Indiana) now, but he’s been given an interesting contraption to help him walk: crutches. Crutches are probably one of the awesomest inventions ever. I’ve never broken any bone in my body, and I still find it necessary to use them. Being a klutz, the doctor within me thought that it would be smart to use them to keep me from tripping while falling or knocking something over or do any other stupid thing that can accidently be done while walking.

Our crutches-combatter in training

But aside from using crutches as a medical remedy for made-up ailments, I have come up with a list of several other uses for crutches, just in case if you wasn’t to use them but don’t have a good excuse to actually do it.

1) People Holders: If you have a bad case of ADD or ADHD, and you find it necessary to constantly move, walk, hop, run, jump, shake, skip or whatever else, then crutches are perfect for you. Because of their rubber bottom, they manage to stay firmly in place, no matter how much sugar you intake. Just put them under your arms and hold them in place on the floor, and just wait. The crutches will keep you from bouncing all over the walls until you run out of energy from trying to break free from them. Then you won’t have any energy to bounce around at all. Parents, now you know the solution for your troublesome kids.

2) Fridge Openers: In case you don’t feel like using your hands, or if you just don’t have any, then you can use the crutches to open the fridge door. Not only is it fast and simple, it’s also germ-free because you don’t have to tough the handle that everybody else touched with their filthy hands. You’re going to be the only one in the family who won’t get swine flue. It’s simply a win-win-win scenario.

3) Arm Rests: Simple. Your arm is exhausted, and nobody around you is the adequate height for you to rest your arm on their head without freaking them out. Then you remember that you brought your handy dandy crutches. Just throw your arm on it and problem solved.

4) Hallway Trippers: If you’re about to be late to class and the people around you refuse to budge, then just pull out your crutches, trip everyone around you, and quickly run to class. And if anyone asks you why you have crutches even though you can walk perfectly foine, simply deny the fact that you have them at all. It’ll keep you from being sent to the principal’s office.

5) Light Sabers: So a bunch of zombies suddenly decide that it’s time for the zombie apocalypse. They dig out of their graves in search of fresh brains to feed on. Unfortunately, Michael Jackson is dead, so distracting them by having them dance of amazingly choreographed dance moves is out of question. The only way to get rid of them is to kill them off with a bunch of light sabers, but nobody has any. So what do you do? Find a bunch of crutches and use them to knock off the zombies’ heads. And the world lives happily ever after.

*Disclaimer: All above material is free to share. However, none of it should be taken seriously. It was written under the influence of sugar, insomnia, and Friday syndrome. Crutches are now an unregistered non-trademark of theNabzter. All rights reserved. No purchase necessary, purchase at your own risk. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-HARAM. Just kidding, it's not a real number, but gambling is HARAM. Have a nice day!